


[my love is ugly, you dont want it anyway]

by unraveledwords



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bathing/Washing, Crying, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post s2 finale, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Shock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:00:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26462320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unraveledwords/pseuds/unraveledwords
Summary: Nandor realized he was in shock. It had taken a few thousand years to give a name to this particular demon. Back in Al Quolanudar, it was something everyone knew about, but no one wanted to name. Boys were reared to be soldiers, and returned from battle broken, jumping at shadows and howling at the wind rattling the windows. Nandor might have experienced that, once upon a time - but if he ever did, it was too long ago to remember.~*~After the theater incident, Guillermo needs Nandor to comfort him despite how ill-equipped Nandor is for the task.
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless
Comments: 28
Kudos: 86





	[my love is ugly, you dont want it anyway]

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TeamThor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamThor/gifts).



> I made this for @teamthor then made them write part of it. Thank you so so much to @walkwithursus for betaing this!

I can feel it the monster breathing  
I can feel it he's running through my skin  
Not again, not again, not again  
He wants to know who do you do it for?

You can see the red before it starts to run  
You can sop it up with your cotton tongue  
Are you a welcome sight in troubled times?  
Do you hold your breath when your eyes meet mine?

\- "Cotton Tongue" by Looming

"Don't touch me, don't even look at me," Guillermo begged before Nandor could even step into his room. 

It had been hours since the theater, and Nandor had been thrumming with the energy of beholding Guillermo go wild like that, a feral potent violence he hadn't seen since his conquering days. Perhaps that's why he'd been pacing the house as he replayed the beautiful dance that was Guillermo's homicidal rampage. He couldn't help but find Guillermo's lithe movements as graceful as falling snow. It enticed him in a way he thought only the virginal smell of Guillermo's blood could.

Yet when he heard hitched sobbing from Guillermo’s room, he’d stopped short. He worried his lip: certainly it did not concern him if Guillermo was crying, did it? But when he heard a gulped sob echo into the hall, he’d pulled the curtain back without another thought.

Guillermo had looked at him like a cornered animal, pulling himself up against the wall beside his already small bed and yanking his trenchcoat around him like a shield. “Go away Nandor, I can’t even look at you right now. Please just stay away from me.”

Nandor started to chide him for calling his name but he couldn’t bring himself to move. He just stood watching Guillermo ball his hands into his eyes. “Please go away,” he whispered. Nandor watched helplessly as he shook, his cries crowding the already claustrophobic room and filling Nandor’s rib cage. He took a slow step forward, and Guillermo wheeled on him. He nimbly snagged the coffin toy he'd deliberately left there and hurled it at Nandor. “I said get the fuck away from me!” Nandor looked behind him at the smashed toy, its pieces as fragile as the man in front of him.

“Guillermo,” he managed finally, his tone hushed, “What is wrong?”

“What’s wrong? _What’s wrong?_ Are you fucking kidding me, Nandor?” he screamed. “You saw it, you saw all of it!” His own angry gesturing seemed to catch his attention, and he stopped to stare at the blood smothering his forearms. “I’m a monster. I’m... _disgusting_ ,” he breathed out, his eyes unfocusing with tears before he crumpled in on himself again.

“You have seen me kill before, am I disgusting?” Nandor tried.

“That’s not the point and you know it! I don’t want to kill vampires. I don’t want to kill the one thing I would KILL to be. This isn’t fair, it's not fair…” 

Nandor once again moved without conscious thought, striding into the room and settling in next to Guillermo who shrank from him. “But you were so beautiful, Guillermo. So graceful and devastating. You shouldn’t shirk this gift given to you.”

“Gift? How is this a gift?” he continued angrily, “I’ve thought about it, you know. I’ve thought about it _a lot_.” A fresh tremor tore through his frame even as he continued to shake.

“About what?”

The rage seemed to melt out of Guillermo, his eyes shining with a visceral pain that Nandor had only seen in the eyes of his own soldiers centuries ago. “I’ve thought about killing you.” Guillermo’s voice was so small but the tiny closet reverberated the sound, making him wince.

“Of course you have. We are terrible to you,” Nandor admitted, making Guillermo cough out a small laugh. He ran a gentle hand through Guillermo’s curls, and for a moment Guillermo took the comfort, his eyes slipping shut.

His eyes shot open again, this time full of terror and he cringed. “But I don’t want to think that,” he said, his lip trembling in time with the warble of his voice, “I don’t want to be like this. I want to be a vampire. I don’t want to hurt you or Nadja or Laszlo.”

“I know that you will not,” Nandor replied, smiling to himself. “You saved us tonight. Could have been a little sooner maybe.” He elbowed Guillermo, hoping it would be enough to end this silliness.

Guillermo rocoiled instead, eyes wide and glassy as though he wasn’t in the room at all. If anything, Nandor felt he could taste that fear. He’d known it in his early days of battle, from coming home wearing another man’s entrails and being crowned a hero. Nandor had reveled in it, but there had been terror as well. One doesn’t become called Relentless without losing something human inside them.

Nandor realized he was in shock. It had taken a few thousand years to give a name to this particular demon. Back in Al Quolanudar, it was something everyone knew about, but no one wanted to name. Boys were reared to be soldiers, and returned from battle broken, jumping at shadows and howling at the wind rattling the windows. Nandor might have experienced that, once upon a time - but if he ever did, it was too long ago to remember.

He remembered the faces of his men though. Slaughtering the enemy forces was all well and good when you were speaking of it in jest or singing songs of praise - but living through it was another matter entirely. Some grew angry and cold with the world after seeing it bathed in blood. Some drew away from it entirely: flinching and afraid, praying that the next battle would never come.

But, it always did. Because it was relentless - he had to be Relentless.

That had been then. But now, it was not a nameless soldier, someone he could forget if they fell to sword or arrow. Now, it was Guillermo, shaking and afraid of the things his hands had done.

Nandor liked Guillermo. Seeing him like that, it pulled at something still human inside him, and he considered what he thought Guillermo would need. Unfortunately, Nandor was no longer human, and he frowned as he wondered where to even start.

Guillermo flinched back at this, his eyes filling again with tears. Nandor felt himself soften. “Alright, alright, please don’t be so upset. I know it is all very confusing right now, but we are all thankful for you saving us. I mean that.” Guillermo seemed to consider this for far too long before breaking down again.

Nandor watched helplessly as Guillermo fell apart. He looked so small and fragile covered in blood and sobbing. But it did give Nandor an idea. Perhaps if he could clean up the picture of devastation in front of him, everything could be set right. A fresh sweater and clean glasses and maybe Guillermo would be good as new, fresh as when he’d first begun his familiarhood and knew nothing of his unfortunate ancestry.

“Come Guillermo, you cannot sleep like this.” Guillermo wrenched at his hand, and Nandor leveled a glare at him. Guillermo exhaled long and slow before allowing Nandor to help him to his feet. But even when Nandor turned to pull him out of the room, he felt his familiar falter behind him. He was shaking so hard at the effort of even holding himself upright, and the glassy look in his eyes only seemed worse. Nandor wondered how garishly horrifying Guillermo’s mental replay was. He slipped an arm under Guillermo’s, and he was thankful there was no fight this time. 

Guillermo even managed to give Nandor an annoyed look which he felt bode well. “I’m so tired,” Guillermo rasped out.

“Yes, but you are also covered in vampire. You cannot sleep like this, it's not hygienic,” Nandor admonished as he helped Guillermo slowly up the stairs.

Guillermo laughed, a hysterical noise that melted into the sob that followed. He turned his face to Nandor’s chest. “I killed them, master, I killed all of them…I’m a monster. Please, I don’t want to be a monster.”

“You are not a monster.” Nandor hoped his tone was firm enough to bar no argument. Guillermo turned against Nandor’s side and pressed his face into Nandor’s neck. Nandor stood shocked at this tenderness, unable to even wrap a comforting arm around him.

Guillermo started suddenly, pushing back so violently that Nandor had to grab him before they careened down the stairs. “Oh fuck, I just killed a bunch of powerful vampires, oh fuck.” His eyes pleaded for Nandor to understand. “They’re going to come after me, I’m not safe, I gotta get out of here, I gotta...” His thoughts trailed off as he jerked in Nandor’s grasp, trying to flee from his own fear.

“Stop, stop, no Guillermo, they are not coming for you,” Nandor soothed, the lie turning acrid in his mouth. The truth was he didn’t know how safe Guillermo was at the moment, but the lies slipped effortlessly. “I will not let anything happen to you. You are safe.” In truth, he knew Guillermo was more likely to be able to protect himself better than Nandor could. But Guillermo didn’t need to hear that right now, shivering on the steps as his eyes darted fitfully like prey smelling a predator far before they could see their adversary.

Nandor continued dragging Guillermo upstairs, panic starting to set in for him as well. This wasn’t good. He had seen first hand how brave and strong warriors could spin out in the painful adrenaline spike that came after a battle well-fought. He knew how the most unshakable of men could crumble under the ethical implications of the things they’d had to do. He breathed a sigh of relief as they reached the bathroom, shoving Guillermo in with more force than necessary.

Guillermo watched him silently as Nandor fussed with the knobs on the ancient tub. Nandor turned too fast on his heel to approach Guillermo, and he started, stepping back quick with his hands poised up and open in defense. “Shh, come here,” Nandor commanded as he tenderly stripped the trenchcoat from his familiar’s shoulders and peeled the sweater from his body.

“I can undress myself,” Guillermo complained while allowing Nandor to lift off his glasses and set them aside.

“Then why are you not?” Nandor snarked back, his hands zipping down the buttons of Guillermo’s dress shirt.

Guillermo made a face but went quiet again. Nandor pulled the shirt from him and reached for his fly. Guillermo’s hand shot out, snagging Nandor’s wrist. He looked up at him fearfully, an innocent gesture that made Nandor shiver in ways he knew he should feel sorry for.

“Do not be so prudish. You have seen me naked many times,” Nandor said, trying to remain in control of the situation and his own thoughts. Guillermo released his hand, and Nandor watched the blood creep into his cheeks as he stripped him of his pants. He dropped to his knees, pulling off Guillermo’s socks and shoes before removing his trousers the rest of the way. Guillermo gave him an unreadable look, licking his lips before turning away in embarrassment.

“Why are you doing this?” he asked in a voice so soft that Nandor thanked his vampiric senses for catching it.

“You saved us. And you are not okay,” Nandor said decisively, turning back to finish filling the tub. When he returned to Guillermo, his crying had begun again. His physical nakedness made it even harder to see him like this, completely vulnerable and helpless to the pain overflowing his mind. “Hush now, stop your weeping,” Nandor cooed, cupping Guillermo’s cheek in his hand, hoping his undead flesh could cool the overheated skin he found. Guillermo pressed into the touch before letting Nandor lead him to the bath.

But when he deposited himself in the water, he hissed and his teeth chattered, “Fuck Nandor, its fucking cold, what the hell?”

“I am sorry! I…” Nandor started to explain that he had no gauge for what temperature the water would feel to Guillermo’s human body, but it evaporated as he cursed himself. What _was_ he doing? For all the times he’d washed other soldiers’ wounds and talked them through the crisis of faith every warrior had, he knew this was nothing like that. Nothing could compare to the personal pain they both were feeling. And he was completely unprepared to give Guillermo what he needed; he knew his attempts would be clumsy. However, his chest ached with a desire to help him, spurned on by his knowledge that Guillermo had been suffering silently under his watch.

Nandor watched with regret as Guillermo drained half the bath and refilled it, steam floating off the freshly pouring water. Regardless of his misstep, Nandor was still determined to soothe Guillermo in the only ways he knew. He grabbed the copper mug they kept near the tub and slowly poured water over Guillermo’s head, a hand shielding his eyes and tipping his head to saturate the hair evenly.

Again Guillermo jumped like he’d been burned, craning to look at Nandor. Nandor saw the terror hadn’t swayed, and it bit into him like a raw nerve. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing you have not done for me a thousand times over,” he assured him, grabbing the shampoo and working it into a lather in his hands. Guillermo eyed him cautiously before sliding down into the tub and allowing Nandor to begin working the soap through his locks. Nandor preened when Guillermo hummed satisfaction at Nandor’s fingers massaging his scalp. Finally Nandor felt like he was doing something right, but his pride was shattered as Guillermo twitched out a sob.

“You don’t have to do this, I don’t deserve this,” he simpered out, shaking his head like a petulant child.

Nandor dumped water over his head unceremoniously. "Of course you deserve this. You saved us tonight. This is the least I can do.” He cleared his throat at the admission. “You have been working so hard when none of us could see it. I cannot let that continue to go unnoticed.” 

He finished rinsing Guillermo’s hair and reached for a small towel. He wiped the combination of blood and tears from his face, watching Guillermo’s expression soften at the attention. He still cried as Nandor scrubbed down his neck and shoulders, his motions slow and deliberate. He couldn’t clear the perceived sins from Guillermo’s conscience, but as he watched his familiar’s skin wash clean under his hands, he felt hopeful about making progress anyway.

“I could have lost you tonight,” he said pensively. “I was very afraid for you, Guillermo. Please do not scare me like that again.”

Guillermo laughed, but the sound was bone chilling. “You should worry more about yourself. I could kill you, you know. I could... _I could_ …” Guillermo curled in on himself as new sobs wracked his body, making the water slosh. 

“You could not kill me, you are not that good.” Nandor tried for humour even as his heart seized up in his throat. “I would like to see you try though. It would be very interesting.”

His mistake was apparent immediately. “No please,” Guillermo howled, “Please I don’t want to be a vampire slayer. I want to be a vampire. Why is this happening to me? It's not fair!” He shook his head violently, his eyes searching Nandor’s face like he could find answers there.

“It is not,” he admitted, “But you are my familiar and I am going to help you. You belong to me, Guillermo. I cannot have you in this state.” Guillermo seemed to relax at this sentiment, despite the yammering of his heart under Nandor’s hand as he washed over his chest. Nandor could hear his body pumping blood at a uselessly chaotic rate. He was consumed with the knowledge of how Guillermo must view what had occurred. Guillermo was intimately aware of the drawbacks of becoming a vampire: it came with rules and guidelines and a requirement of taking life for your own. It started to settle in Nandor’s mind just how unnerving this was for Guillermo, a different kind of bloodlust that sickened him to his core. To destroy the thing he treasured most.

“No Guillermo. I cannot have you falling apart on me now, not when you have done so much for us,” he went on, trying to keep his tone even and comforting. Guillermo simply watched the soap swirling on the water's surface, but he wasn’t crying anymore. Just shaking in a way that Nandor hoped fruitlessy to quell. He moved around the edge of the tub to snag one of Guillermo’s feet out of the water to continue his task. Guillermo shifted along with it but his eyes didn’t move with him. “You should know I would have helped you. I would have tried to understand. You are mine. You should not be keeping secrets from me.”

“I’m sorry,” Guillermo said in a tiny voice, lifting his other leg out of the water for Nandor.

“You are forgiven,” Nandor replied instinctively, wanting with all he had for Guillermo to believe him. “You truly were beautiful tonight. I know that you are afraid, but I was so very impressed.” Guillermo shuddered, and Nandor kicked himself.

He fell silent as he pulled one of Guillermo’s hands out of the water. He pried his fist open carefully and washed between Guillermo’s fingers. He marveled at the callouses and bruised knuckles that had formed without Nandor’s knowledge. He had become so powerful. Or maybe, Nandor mused, he always had been. Nandor couldn’t help the smile that crept onto his face at the new evidence of this. He snagged Guillermo’s other wrist to do the same but froze when he glanced up. Guillermo’s shaking had intensified, and his face streamed with tears. “Please Nandor, I don’t want this to be happening.” His sob ripped through Nandor as he begged, “Please, please make it stop.” He stared down at the bloodied hand in Nandor’s. “Please I don’t want this.”

Nandor broke, a choked noise leaving him, “I don’t want this to be happening either. I do not know what you need me to do, Guillermo, tell me what I need to do.”

Guillermo leapt up, his nakedness forgotten as water rushed over the side of the tub. He wrapped his arms around Nandor’s neck and wailed. Nandor clutched at him as water soaked into his clothes, and he felt his own tears start. The compulsion to treat this situation as just Nandor coaching another of his devastated soldiers melted away as the pain in Guillermo's weeping chipped at any impersonal feelings Nandor had tried to paint on. He’d tried so hard to tell himself this was just repayment, just what a good leader did. But his heart was breaking at everything Guillermo had given for them. That this pain was put here by his desire to serve Nandor, to keep him safe. There was no one to blame but Nandor, and it was eating him alive. 

It was hard to reconcile what Nandor had seen previously with the frail trembling body in his arms. He felt so small to Nandor, and he wished he could shelter him from everything already done. Guillermo continued to cry against Nandor’s chest, and Nandor couldn’t stop himself from pressing soft kisses to the crown of his head. He heard Guillermo gasp, and to his surprise, his sobbing slowed, and he went limp in Nandor’s embrace. Nandor didn’t release him though, just held his head with one hand and ran another slowly along his spine. Guillermo gulped in breaths, and Nandor momentarily worried he was going to start hyperventilating. Finally he seemed to fill his lungs and let out a shaky sigh, “Don’t let me be a monster, master. Please.”

“You are not. I am so proud of you. Please do not be so afraid,” Nandor replied, knowing it was the wrong thing to say and no longer caring. 

Guillermo drew back, wiping at his eyes. “Okay,” he said with resolve before squeezing his eyes shut. “Okay I’m- I’m trying.”

Nandor grabbed Guillermo’s hand again and finished removing the blood from him. He unplugged the tub and watched the crimson eddy of the water escaping. He hoped some of Guillermo’s sadness went with it. He knew he should keep talking, but he found himself too exposed to do more than help Guillermo up. Guillermo twitched when Nandor started to dry him, but Nandor narrowed his eyes at him. Guillermo submitted, and Nandor was thankful to feel he had gotten back on track with his plan to help.

“Stay here. I will find you some clothes,” Nandor said, loath to take his hands and eyes off of him. Guillermo just nodded numbly, his eyes drooping from the relaxing effect the water had on his body.

Nandor hurried down the stairs, trying to wrack his brain to remember what humans even wore to sleep. He grimaced when he entered Guillermo’s room and his eyes immediately fell on the blood soaked sheets. He stripped Guillermo’s bed before he realized he had no idea if Guillermo had any more sheets. He looked around the room and registered that it was mostly barren, hissing at the realization that Guillermo had removed most of his things. Nandor grabbed the cot by its rickety frame and threw it into the hall to join the pieces of Guillermo’s casket toy.

Nandor stalked to his own room and dug out an old blouse who’s threadbare fabric rendered it soft and welcoming. He gazed down at his selection of breeches and slacks, and once again felt the pangs of his own inadequacy. Nandor irrationally bemoaned the idea that he couldn’t even accomplish the simplest of tasks that Guillermo completed everyday. He wished he had given Guillermo more credit as a familiar; Nandor wouldn’t even have clean clothes at the moment if not for Colin Robinson’s mercy. Doting on the laundry did remind Nandor of Laszlo’s green ‘sad pants’ as Nadja called them. He crept into their room, thankful they’d gone to coffin early so he could procure the garment unquestioned.

He returned with his bounty to find Guillermo staring at the floor. He was glad Guillermo hadn’t started crying again but somehow this seemed worse. Guillermo was limp and pliant in his hands as he slipped the blouse over his head. When he stood Guillermo up to pull the sweat pants on, Guillermo spoke again, his voice hushed, “I was afraid. The whole time. I was so afraid of them, master. But I had to save you.”

“And you did,” Nandor replied simply, trying in vain to ignore how it wounded him. He took Guillermo’s hand and squeezed before leading him out of the bathroom.

“Where are we going?” Guillermo asked wide-eyed as they passed the wreckage of his cot, his hand still tight in his master’s.

“Colin Robinson’s old room,” Nandor replied with a snarl, “It is not ideal, but your bed is soiled, and I will not have you sleeping there.” 

He turned in time to see Guillermo smile softly before confusion crossed his expression. “Wait why are you doing all of this? You really don’t need to be. I’m sorry, I would have been alright,” he said, sounding more lucid than he had all evening.

“No, you would not have,” Nandor grimaced. “I am glad to be doing this for you.” Guillermo’s brow furrowed as more questions formed on his lips, but he was quickly distracted by the view of a bed as Nandor opened the door for them. He threw himself down, immediately curling up around the pillow. He watched puzzled as Nandor stripped out of his wet cape and vest. He sat to work his boots off, and Guillermo arched an eyebrow at him.

“You still have not stopped shaking,” Nandor explained, taking the pillow from Guillermo and tucking it under his head, “I am not leaving you alone.” He sidled up to him in the bed, ignoring how Guillermo jumped when he pulled him close and tucked Guillermo’s head under his chin.

“ _What_ are you doing?” Guillermo asked, popping his head up to eye Nandor suspiciously. 

“Shh, please calm yourself,” Nandor hushed but offered nothing else. Guillermo parted his lips to say something but thought better of it at the resolve on Nandor’s face. He instead pressed his nose back to its former place against Nandor’s neck. Guillermo relaxed in increments before finally slipping his arm around Nandor and shuddering out a sigh.

Nandor felt himself relax along with him, finally satisfied the episode had passed. He carded careful fingers through Guillermo’s hair, suddenly aware of what a sensitive situation he’d put himself in. 

Guillermo broke the silence for him in a whisper, “I was so afraid. I was so afraid for you, Nandor.”

The evening’s emotional toil loosened Nandor’s tongue. “Then why did you leave me?” he asked softly.

“Because I’m a monster,” Guillermo choked out, and Nandor felt Guillermo’s new tears warm his cold skin.

Nandor couldn’t take it anymore. He jerked back, grabbing Guillermo by the shoulder roughly to make him look at him. “You are not a monster, Guillermo. You cannot control this. I cannot control this. But you should not be doing this alone. The only thing you have to feel sorry for is lying to me.”

Something seemed to click into place for Guillermo, and he nodded slowly. Nandor swallowed hard, embarrassed by his own outburst and breaking their stare off to draw Guillermo back to his body. Guillermo spoke up again after a beat, his voice heavy with guilt. “You really don’t have to be doing this.”

Nandor scoffed, “Would you not dry my tears and hold me if I were upset?”

“Like you’d let me,” Guillermo snorted.

“You are right, I would have not,” he laughed, resting his head on Guillermo’s.

"Would have not? Like past tense?" Guillermo pushed back to force Nandor to face the question.

Nandor regarded him with an inscrutable look before drawing a hand up to Guillermo’s cheek. He stroked his thumb through the tear tracks on his face and sighed, "You know that I am not good with these emotional conversations, but tonight I have tried to tell you many things with my hands. I was hoping it was not as tactless as my efforts to console you."

Guillermo gaped at him before ducking forward to brush their lips together. Nandor gasped, frozen at first before pressing his mouth firmly to Guillermo’s. He kissed him deliberately, savouring the movement of Guillermo’s soft lips against his. Guillermo however licked against the seam of Nandor’s lips until the vampire opened with a groan. Guillermo’s tongue explored his mouth, and Nandor whimpered at the intensity of it.

Nandor pulled away suddenly. “Tomorrow I will make you a vampire. Today you have been through too much.”

“What?” Guillermo squeaked, incredulity in his eyes.

“I cannot make you not a Van Helsing. But I can make you a vampire,” Nandor said. Tears welled up in Guillermo’s eyes again. “No, please do not cry anymore, I promise I am trying to help you,” he said quickly, swiping a thumb under Guillermo’s eyes.

“It's fine, it's. Good crying. I-I’m so happy, master.” He gave Nandor a brilliant smile before pecking him on the lips and making himself comfortable in Nandor’s embrace. Nandor could only grin back at him. He ran his fingers through Guillermo’s hair and watched Guillermo fight to continue looking at him as sleep started to claim him. He kissed Guillermo’s forehead to encourage him to succumb. By the time he pulled back, Guillermo had gone slack in his arms, his breathing deep and peaceful. Nandor felt peaceful as well. He couldn’t change what had happened, couldn’t take it back. But he could help Guillermo move forward, and he felt renewed hope at knowing Guillermo was soon to be his for eternity.

**Author's Note:**

> Looming's 'Nailbiter' album is the soundtrack, hit me up for specific tracks.


End file.
